Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The 8 douchiest things men do to impress women

It’s one of those universal truths: dating makes people lose a whole bunch of braincells. Having romantic feelings for someone causes severely impaired judgement. Just ask your friends how many things they regret doing in the name of love, you’ll soon have a pity party on your hands. When it comes to dating, most of the time, women hold the power to make us guys do some really crazy things. Remember Romeo? Yeah. Love had him go on a rampage through Verona ending his own life. If you find yourself nodding yes to more than one of the items below, congratulations: Love has officially turned you into an idiot.

1 Pretending to like a band
Music is easy enough to relate over. Almost everyone likes the Beatles, Tupac, whatever. But if you find yourself saying “Oh, yeah I’ve loved the Dave Matthews Band since Under the Table and Dreaming!” to a girl just because you met her at a festival, you’re in for a world of trouble. It may work for like two weeks, but imagine finding yourself in a long-term relationship with her. You don’t want to be listening to “Satellite” at your anniversary.

2 Lying about past accomplishments
A little embellishment will sometimes help out with the ladies. But nothing is more aggravating than listening to a guy obviously lying to a girl about some amazing thing he’s done. Men do this in hopes that women will ooh and ahh over how unique and adventurous they are. If the reality is quite far from the story, this is an egregious error. Sure professional parachuter sounds great on any resume, but it’s tiring to keep up a blatant lie. Everyone slips up eventually.

3 Trying to throw an awesome party to prove your social importance
Guys definitely want to be known as Mr. Cool. For some reason, men think the best way to demonstrate this to a girl is by throwing a party for no reason at all. Everything about this will seem forced. From your friends feigning enthusiasm for a make-believe party to the awkward excuse you make for actually throwing the party in the first place. In most cases, she’ll probably just “stop by” with a friend and then bounce after making out with him on your beanbag chair. But hey, at least you learned how to make an obscenely mediocre Manhattan.

4 Recreating a scene from a romantic comedy
First off, if you can even cite a famous scene from a romantic comedy off the top of your head, you have some serious issues to work out. That being said, if you think the way to a girl’s heart is to recreate some sort of picnic scene between Matthew McConaughey and J-Lo you’re not only weird, you’re terribly misinformed. Most women like originality and though they might find you cute for doing something like that, it’s the kind of cute that is reserved for puppies and babies. That’s basically a death sentence for the single man.

5 Contantly dressing up
This is pretty common. There is nothing even remotely wrong with dressing to impress. But if you suddenly find yourself wearing skinny ties and fancy shoes when usually you’re sporting a white t-shirt and Nikes, there’s something amiss. If the relationship with this girl goes anywhere you’re probably going have to get a completely new wardrobe for her. Also, congratulations on totally compromising your Man Card.

6 Playing a song written just for her on the acoustic guitar
It worked for John Mayer right? Sure but he’s a talented guitarist, and you only know how to play the intros to two Jack Johnson songs. As far as writing a song goes: give it a test run on a trusted female friend. Chances are she’ll rip it to pieces and save you the embarrassment of standing outside of her door playing a silly song while people point and laugh.

7 Getting into fights to prove manliness
Not only is this stupid, but it rarely ever impresses a girl not named Sammi Sweetheart. It may feel good to sock a guy that’s mouthing off to your date, but what if he’s got a crew of equally drunk buddies waiting to pounce? It’s not easy to look like a man when you’re curled up in the fetal position while a bunch of Neanderthals give you the business with their boots. On top of all that, she’ll probably think of you as a moron from that point on. Which, in this case, you totally are.
8 Going to an art gallery/theater production/lecture and pretending to understand everything
Sure, intellect is sexy. Feigned intellect is not. If you find yourself at an art gallery and using words like “esoteric” to describe a painting of a bridge, you should stop yourself by any means necessary. Why not ham up your ignorance and hit her with some self-effacing humor? If she doesn’t find it funny at all, you two were probably not going far anyway.

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